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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24856300">Cor's List</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhymeswithpi/pseuds/rhymeswithpi'>rhymeswithpi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>why we can't have nice things [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy XV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Gen, How Do I Tag, Skippy's List, cor's stupid beret, kinkmeme fill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:48:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,153</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24856300</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhymeswithpi/pseuds/rhymeswithpi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>fill for a kinkmeme prompt</p><p> </p><p>Having known Cor ever since he was a 13 year old firecracker, his friends and his colleagues in the Crownsguard have come up with a list of rules about what Cor really isn't allowed to do, a list that they keep having to add to because of the stunts he pulls.</p><p>In the meantime Cor comes up with creative and unobtrusive ways to sidestep the bloody list and is secretly touched that people care so bloody much.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>why we can't have nice things [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876018</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cor's List</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/yodepalma/gifts">yodepalma</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>listen i know it's three years late but the idea of Cor being a teenage troll was too good to pass up<br/>have i been trawling through the kinkmeme instead of writing anything i should be? yes. yes i have.<br/>anyway here you go</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<ol>
<li>

<p>Under no circumstances is Cor allowed to drive the Regalia.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>If the thought of something makes Cor giggle for more than fifteen seconds, he is to assume he is not allowed to do it.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Body paint is not a uniform.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is neither the king <em>nor queen</em> of cheese.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to arrest children for being rude.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Even if they were asking for it.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to arrest <em>adults</em> for being rude, either.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to use his katana to disprove “the pen is mightier than the sword”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not, under any circumstances, confess to crimes that happened before his birth. No matter how funny it is.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Black is not the royal colour because it is “goth as fuck”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor will no longer perform lap dances in full uniform.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor will no longer perform lap dances in <em>partial</em> uniform.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor will also no longer perform lap dances while taking <em>off</em> his uniform.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is also not allowed to perform lap dances while wearing body paint that <em>looks</em> like his uniform.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>No part of Cor’s uniform is edible.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not the emperor of anything.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is also not the queen of anything.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not the Duke, Margrave, or Lord of Dance.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to attempt to purchase anyone’s soul while on duty.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not request a day off, then attempt to purchase anyone’s soul while <em>they’re</em> on duty.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not challenge his superior officers to a battle on the field of honour.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not challenge people who have minorly inconvenienced him to a battle on the field of honour.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>No, “at dawn” does not make it any more acceptable.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to add “in accordance with the prophecy” to the response to any question he is asked.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Even when it <em>is</em>.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor does not need to find a more suitable host body.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Beans are not a musical fruit.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A sock puppet is not an acceptable scapegoat for anything Cor does.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor, and by extension all of the Crownsguard, is not allowed to wear a gimp mask on duty.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not to feel pride over a correction to this oversight.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The sock puppet is also not allowed to wear a gimp mask.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A smiley face is not used to mark a behemoth’s nesting ground.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>It is not now, nor will it ever be, Opposite Day.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The king does not want to know, nor does he care, why Cor has a goose in the car.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Even if it is a funny story.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The armory is not an acceptable place to house a goose.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to tell new recruits the armory is haunted when he is, in fact, hiding a goose.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should refrain from publicly speculating about the penis size of anyone who outranks him.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“In my defense, I was left unsupervised” is not a valid excuse.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“Teenage rebellion” is not a proper reason for being late.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither is “I didn’t want to come”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“Teenage angst” is not a medically recognized disorder.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to designate people to be eaten first during an emergency.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not narrate anyone’s day without their prior written consent.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>No live animals are allowed in, near, or on the microwave.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Not even in the name of science.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or to keep it contained, however briefly, to hide it from an inspection.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not ever attempt something he “saw in a cartoon” during any sort of official training.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The proper response to an order is not “Make me”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>It is also not, “That’s what you think”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not licensed, authorized, or good at giving tattoos.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not convince new recruits to get tattoos of Kenny Crow.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Kenny Crow is not a part of the Crownsguard uniform.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not write “Property of DAT ASS” on his underwear.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor should he write it on anyone <em>else’s</em> underwear.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not a magical girl.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Hug Your Cat Day is not a recognized holiday.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor does not have the authority to declare holidays.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor does not have the authority to issue tickets to people who do not celebrate Hug Your Cat Day.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Carrots were not put on this planet to punish mankind for their sins.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither was cabbage.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to rub a bald person’s head for luck.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A taco truck is not an acceptable reason to be late.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor is an ice cream truck.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Not even if he brings enough to share.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The coffee maker is incapable of dueling to the death at dawn.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not call Leviathan a "wet danger noodle".</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to get stabbed.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>If stabbed, Cor is not allowed to thank the assailant for the new weapon.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor is he allowed to advise them on how to better stab him.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“I’ve been lightly stabbed” is not an appropriate way to call for help.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not terrify new recruits into signing him out of the hospital.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Surgery is not “having a knife fight while unconscious”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor does it mean two drinks, but of an unreasonable size.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Any glass large enough to fit an entire bottle of wine is considered unreasonable.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Wine is not fruit salad.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not authorized to perform exorcisms.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A wet t-shirt contest is not an appropriate entry to a talent show.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Regis should not be addressed as “Prince Puffy-Pants”, even if his pants are hilariously large.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Clarus does not have “his undies in a twist”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Wes does not drive “like old people fuck”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cid is not a sugar daddy.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Mornings are not an offense punishable by death.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not sell Regis’ dirty laundry to the highest bidder.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not sell Regis’ <em>clean</em> laundry to the highest bidder.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not sell laundry to anyone, regardless of bids.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The toaster is not capable of taking messages, and it cannot answer the phone.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither can the fridge.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“Have you tried fire?” is not the solution to any slight, real or imaginary.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to “enhance” anyone’s weaponry.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not, under any circumstances, store any sex toys in the armiger.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Even if they’re not used.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or his underwear.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or someone <em>else’s</em> underwear.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>No one wants to know how that ended up in there.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“It’s kind of a funny story” does not mean the story is funny.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to eat bacon during briefings unless he has brought enough for everyone.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>An encounter with a cactuar is not “free acupuncture”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A coeurl is not an “electric danger kitty”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to eat bacon during briefings even if he has brought enough for everyone.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not tell the medic where to shove a potion, especially if it involves an orifice that is not his mouth.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Interpretive dance is not an accepted form of explanation.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither is tap dance.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor is a lap dance.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not offer to shave anyone with a sword.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or an axe.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or anything that is not made with the express purpose of shaving.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to shave anyone until he has his own facial hair to shave.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Any action that is prefaced by “hold my drink, I’ve got this” should not be done.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not call the king and ask if his refrigerator is running.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to make prank calls from an official phone.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to make prank calls from an <em>unofficial</em> phone.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor’s beret is <em>not</em> the source of his power.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor does the beret hide a secret so horrible, men have gone mad just hearing of it.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not the goose whisperer.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The goose is not the Cor whisperer.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor’s beret does not gift him with telepathic powers that allow him to control geese.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Chocobos do not taste like chicken.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither do sahagin.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to declare he has superpowers just to wear tights to work.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A beret is not considered a superpower.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not claim someone is a pod person for doing something he disapproves of.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Take Your Dog to Work Day is not a challenge.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A goose does not now and will never count as a dog.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Take Your Goose to Work Day is not a thing.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither is Take Your Squid to Work Day.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not punish people with time-outs.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor may he reward them with naptime.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not put new recruits in the “Get Along Shirt”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to put Regis and Clarus in the “Get Along Shirt”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The crystal is not a “fancy sacred disco ball”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not shoot recruits with suction cup darts to test their reflexes.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor with a squirt gun.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p><em>Nor a paintball gun.</em></p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not shoot recruits, regardless of means.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The king is not to be addressed as, “His Excellency, the Grand Poobah of All This n’ That”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Even if he does laugh.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to leave inappropriately sparkly underwear on the Council table.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to leave <em>appropriately</em> sparkly underwear on the Council table.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Absolutely no underwear is to be used to decorate the throne.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is now only allowed to drive the Regalia if he remembers <em>speed limits are a thing</em>.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Slow pedestrians are not worth twenty points.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither are jaywalkers.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>There are no bonus points for knocking off their shoes.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor cannot redeem these points for a new espresso machine.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not wear a dress to any formal function without proper warning.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A squid is not an adequate response to any official request.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A squid is also not an adequate response to an unofficial request.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor will stop sending people squids with no explanation.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A cake shaped like a squid still counts.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to confront two people arguing by saying, “Now kiss”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>No matter how obvious the sexual tension is.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not build miniature catapults in the break room and fire them at people who enter.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to build pillow forts in public spaces.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor is he allowed to charge for entry.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not observe Talk Like a Pirate Day at work.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor did not break his arm during a skydiving accident, a cage fight with a bear, or at an underground robot fighting league.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>In the event Insomnia <em>does</em> have an underground robot fighting league, Cor is not allowed to enter it.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor is he allowed to bet on it.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Citadels and Chimeras is not considered an acceptable substitute for physical training.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The death of a C&amp;C character is not considered reason for bereavement leave.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to wear any clothing with Regis’ face on it.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or Clarus’ face.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p><em>Or his own face.</em></p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to wear a shirt that says “I eat new recruits for breakfast”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A pun-off is not a part of Crownsguard training, and is not required for admittance.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to lay face-down on the floor and insist people leave him there to die.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>No matter how hungover he is.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Pepper spray is not a seasoning.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“Don’t worry, I’ve never accidentally poisoned anyone,” is not a comforting thing to say while serving a meal.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to turn his quarters into a cat sanctuary.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Or a dog sanctuary.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p><em>Or a goose sanctuary.</em></p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to turn anyone else’s quarters into a goose sanctuary.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Not even if he has their prior written consent.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor is not allowed to tell Regis to “Get in, loser, we’re going shopping”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Even if they are going shopping.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not challenge anyone to a dance fight.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not borrow anyone’s child for Take Your Child to Work Day.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not have a day off by claiming to be Clarus’ child for Take Your Child to Work Day.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“Ifrit’s taint” is not a phrase to use in any formal report.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The Crownsguard does not observe Casual Friday.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A bathrobe and bunny slippers are not considered “casual”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither is a gimp mask. Why do you even <em>have that?</em></p>
</li>
<li>

<p>A gag gift from Cid is not to be considered a challenge.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor may not dare new recruits to lick the crystal.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor may he lick it himself.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Blackmail is not an officially accepted currency.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>“I dare you to” is not an appropriate way to give new recruits orders.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Any excuse that starts with “I was drunk” is not an adequate excuse.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The Marshal’s name is not “Dad”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Neither is the King’s.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Nor is it “Mom”. On either count.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Cor should not hand anyone a flashlight and tell them to “lighten up, bro”.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The beret’s death was a necessary thing.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The beret does not deserve a funeral with full honours for its service.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The war was not started by a mime.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>The war was not started because a mime stole Cor’s beret.</p>
</li>
<li>

<p>Puns are not considered payment for services rendered.</p>
</li>
</ol><p> </p>
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